Teasing no joking matter
Posted 5/22/03

Thirteen-year-old Justine has neurological difficulties as the result of a brain injury. Sometimes she raises her hand in class but forgets what she was going to say. If she gets teased, she imagines she's a big tree. "The words blow through the branches, but they can't hurt the tree," she says.

Sam, age 8, was tired of being teased by the neighborhood bully. Emulating Popeye, he ate a plateful of spinach and, believing in the power of the vegetable, ran to his tormentor's house to confront him. Things didn't work out exactly as planned. A defeated Sam returned home and asked his parents for help.

Most children get teased on occasion. But for some children, teasing is a sad fact of daily life. Children who are perceived as "different," for instance, seem to be targeted more than others. They may be short or overweight, smart or non-athletic‹the list goes on. Perhaps they have a hidden disability, such as epilepsy or a neurological condition that affects their school performance.

Or maybe it's just a personality clash that brings on the teasing. Not everyone likes everyone else, after all.

"Whatever triggers the behavior, it's important to remember that teasing is more a reflection of the teaser than the victim," observes Libby Olstad, manager of Child and Family Services at Gillette Children's Specialty Healthcare. "Children who don't know how to negotiate with other children, or who lack social or problem-solving skills, may use teasing to gain power or get attention," she says. Sometimes children tease because they are misinformed or fearful. When children don't understand something, such as cultural differences or a disability, for example, they may make fun of it.

Teasing can be verbal, emotional, physical or a combination of all three. "Although all teasing has an element that can be hurtful," says Olstad, "there's a continuum that goes from gentle teasing to bullying. What may seem gentle to one child‹ knocking hats off or a joshing

punch on the arm‹may feel like bullying to a more vulnerable person."

Olstad adds that bullying is more calculated, intense and persistent than teasing. "It's an abuse of power that bullies need to help them feel 'one up' or better than their victims," she adds. "It's a growing problem, in part because there is more aggressiveness in our society."

It's also learned behavior. Says Olstad, "Children who watch television shows or play computer games that are violent may think they can 'zap' problems rather than solve them. Those who live in families where teasing or abuse is the norm see few people modeling human kindness and decency."

What's the best way to react to teasing or bullying? That depends on the child and the nature of the tease. If the teasing isn't too intense, the following strategies may help. But if the teasing is relentless, or if a child feels physically threatened, an adult needs to intervene.

Tips for Adults

Helping Children

Deal With Teasing

€Ask children to describe the teasing. Listen carefully for specifics, so you can get as full a picture as possible. Let children know they are not to blame.

€Children can't control the teaser, but they can control how they react to the teasing. Role-play or act out the situation. Ask the child: "What could you say in that situation? What could you do differently?"

€Assess the child's behavior. Some children, such as those who spend a great deal of time with adults, may have difficulty relating to kids their own age. If your child behaves in ways that might invite teasing‹such as being bossy or provoking others‹discuss other choices for interacting with others.

€Help children strengthen their social skills. Encourage them to get involved in supervised, extracurricular activities with other children.

€Praise children for standing up for themselves.

Tips for Kids

When You're

Being Teased. . .

€Take charge: You can't control the teasers, but you can control how you respond to them. Don't look at the teasers. Pretend they are invisible. If possible, walk away. Never use physical force or violence. It will just make the teasing worse.

Ignoring teasing may make it worse for a while, but when bullies see that teasing no longer works, they may give up.

€Stay calm. People who tease want to see that they're bothering you. Relax and try not to cry. Take some deep breaths or count to 10. Tell yourself: "I don't like this teasing, but I can handle it." "Whose opinion is more important, theirs or mine?"

€Reject the teasing: Just because someone says something in a loud voice doesn't mean you have to accept it. Think of the words as Nerf� balls that bounce off you, or imagine you have a shield around you to deflect mean words.

€Say "So?" "So?" is a way of saying that teasing doesn't matter. If you send the message that you're not scared or bothered, the bully might back off.

€Stay in a group: Bullies tend to pick on kids who are alone. If possible, stay away from kids who tease. Find people who share your interests. Having even one good, supportive friend can help.

€Play it safe: If you've told the teaser to stop and the teasing continues, or if you've ever been pushed, hit or kicked, ask for help. Don't stop telling adults until you find someone who believes and helps you. It is not okay for anyone to bully or constantly tease you.

Editor¹s note: Many schools offer diversity programs, or you can talk to Gillette's child life specialists about ways to help your child's school increase awareness and understanding of differences. For more information, contact Libby Olstad at 651-229-3855.